Learning to breathe

Archive for the month “January, 2012”

Full Moon Fever

I was quiet till we got home. Sunmade kept looking at me and asking if I was okay. “I’m fine just tired” I kept saying.

I am in the bathroom now. The water is more than lukewarm and I see steam rising from my skin. For some time, I just stand in the shower. I am hoping I can steam away the gloom that has settled on me.

Tiwa is back. Tiwa is back. Tiwa is back.

I hate myself for the feelings that are stirring in my heart. I am starting to think wishfully again.

No. I will forget about him. I have lived without him for six years, remembering him occasionally. I can live without him for the rest of my life.

I turn the water off and step gingerly out of the bathroom.

Sunmade is still up. He is looking at me.

“You feel better now?”


“You did good today.”

I smile weakly and shuffle to him.

“Thank you.”

“You did look a bit distracted.”

“I was hungry. Don’t bother, I already ate some sandwiches.”

“Okay.” He gathers me into his arms.

Soon, he will fall asleep and leave me to my thoughts.
As soon as I hear him breathing more easily, evenly, I slip out of his arms and tiptoe to the kitchen. The furniture in the living room is a bit dusty, I make a mental note to call the housekeeper in the morning.

It is 10.30

I help myself to some microwaved left over pizza and watch the news.

Boko Haram looks for new members.

Boko Haram plans to bomb Sokoto.

Man rapes friend’s daughter and murders her.

I feel sick. Thankfully, I have had enough pizza. I turn the television off then step out to the balcony.

Its a full moon tonight.

The sky is blue.

I am a woman.

I am Sunmade’s wife.

I am pregnant.

I am crying.



The show is over. It was a success. Backstage is like a market square. Too many people; I am starting to suffocate. Unsteady, I walk to the bathroom holding my purse.

My reflection is a five feet nine inches tall brown skinned woman with harajuku barbie make up on. I take off my heels and stand bare feet.

The floor is cool. So cool I feel like lying down on it. My phone beeps; its Sunmade.

“Hey babe. I’m chilling outside.”

“I’ll be out in a few.”

I continue staring at my reflection…

“What is wrong with you?” I ask her “Why did you almost make a fool of yourself out there?”

She looks back at me stupidly.

I set about wiping my make up off. The door opens and spits in the object of my thoughts.

“Hello Tiwa” I say coldly as I continue my duty.

“Orin…” He stares at my reflection, hands in pockets. There is a hint of British in his voice.

He has not changed much physically. Still my height, still fair, still good to look at.

“How are you?”

“I’m good…er…you?”


“Good, good…I just got back last week. My friend was one of the designers tha-”

“Drop the accent, Tiwa, it’s not yours.” I say flatly as I glare at his reflection.

“Drop the attitude. It’s not yours either. Look I didn’t come in here to fight with you. I just want to talk.”

“What about? How you left me and traveled with that thing you call a wife? Or how you didn’t even bother saying goodbye? Or why you married her in the first place?”

He moves to touch my shoulder.

“Don’t even breathe on my shoulder, Mister.”

“I made a mistake Orin…I have so much to explain to you-”

“Wait, wait, wait a minute” I turn to face him. “Did you really think I’d put my life on hold for you?!”

He bites his bottom lip.

“I hoped”

I laugh. “Come on Tiwa! You used to be smart.”

“Don’t start with me, Orin. You wearing fancy pants and some make up doesn’t make you superior.”

“I’m not the one that walked out on this.”

He holds my shoulders “Will you just shut up and let me do the talking?!”

“Get your filthy hands off me before my husband-”

“You’re married?!” His eyes widen in surprise. He releases my shoulders.

I slip my shoes back on.

“Yes. And pregnant. Now if you’ll excuse me-”

“Take my card…please.”


He blocks the door. “Please just take it.”

“What makes you even think that I’ll call you?”

“You will. You want answers, don’t you?”

“Not anymore. I’ve been living without them for six years. Get out of my way!”

“Please just take it.”

I yank the card out of his hand. As soon as he moves away from the door I fling the card back in his face and walk out. Head high, pride intact.

I will cry when I get home but for now, I will pretend I am on the runway again.

Dumb Blonde

Some of my friends call me blonde.

I am not blonde.

Take a moment and read that again 🙂


I’m not even white! I’m a hundred percent yoruba, Nigerian, African. But I do have my dumb blonde moments. My friends know this. *chuckles*

There was one time I visited my cousin in school and in his room, he had this shoe rack very close to the door above a locker. And there was this pole that was put vertically under it. I honestly thought the pole was supporting the shoe rack and I removed the pole thinking the rack would come crashing down.


I went “Ooooh it doesn’t support it then”

My cousin and his friends looked on in awe of my royal dumbness.

Needless to say, I felt stupid…so much I laughed.

And then another time, I was with a friend’s touch screen phone. He locked his phone with this touch screen lock thingy (ugh) and I asked him for the er ‘combination’

He said “Just draw a diagonal line”

At this point, I was actually confused. Diagonal sounded like vertical….I thought they were synonyms

“What’s a diagonal line?”

The look on his face was priceless! Hahaha!

Somehow, I figured it out myself. Score!

And there was this other time, this friend of mine and I were playing this fish game where you take turns to mention types of fish and whoever runs out of fish names first loses. I lost 😦

I didn’t exactly run out of fish names but I gave a not-yet-existing fish name : Tinkerbell fish 🙂

Needless to say again, I felt dumb but I laughed anyway.

And my favorite one was when I went to see a couple of friends in school and when it was time to leave one of em walked me to the school gate. I was already on a bike when I started thinking “Err, Ibukun, where’s your phone?”

“Good question!” I said to myself and started rummaging through my bag. Nothing purple was in sight. I told the bike dude to take me back.

I practically ran back to his hostel but, alas, he wasn’t in.

Thankfully, another friend was around and he helped me get to this friend.

“How could you forget your phone?” He asked when he came.

I shrugged and went on looking for it.

Well….we didn’t find it in the room because it wasn’t there. It was right there, snug, in my bag.

Needless to say, I felt dumb! Again!

There are other instances but I’m too hungry to blab them all 🙂

I have these moments and I laugh at myself because a wise woman once said “If you let others laugh at you, you’re okay. If you can laugh at yourself, you’ll never fail to be amused.”

On The Subject of Spoiled Brats

My 5 year old brother, Timi and his 5 year old accomplices, Israel and Osemudia, got back from school today and they were making so much noise I thought the roof would come crashing. Thankfully it didn’t.

I ordered them to sit continents away from each other and they did. Feeling accomplished, I strutted into the kitchen only for Timi to yell “Ibukun is a foooooooooool!” His accomplices laughed.

My heart stopped, then somersaulted.

“What did you say?”

He said it again to my face. Before he could run upstairs to his mommy, I grabbed him and gave him a satisfying slap on his face.

He pretended to cry for a minute then when I left him he ran up the stairs yelling more obscenities for a kid his age. I’m taking out my anger and frustration on the food I’m cooking. My sincere apologies to those who that will eat it; you will survive.

But honestly though, what is happening to today’s children. I never would have imagined a 5 year old could call a lady more than triple his age a fool. Right now, all I want to do is ram his face into this pot of soup. Forgive me if my thoughts offend you. They offend me too.

The other day at church there was this girl, about 11 or 12 using a white blackberry torch phone. The week before that she was using a white blackberry bold 2.

I use a Curve 2. Before I saw this eighth world wonder, my gospel was a blackberry is a blackberry: Curve or Torch. After that episode, I wasn’t so sure anymore (˘̩̩̩.˘̩̩̩ƪ)

For crying out loud what is an 11 year old doing with a blackberry in the first place?!!!!! >_ “In my days *blah blah blah chicken and bull story*”

I used to say that I wouldn’t beat my children…


I will flog them ehn!

I’m not done venting but have to get back to cooking.

Am I the only one who feels that children are spoiled these days?

Letters From God

Dear Ibukun and other people with similar questions,

I’m glad you responded. First of all, you should know that there’s something special and unique about everything I created. I smiled when I read your letter. Typical, witty, Ibukun. You always have something to say. Channel that energy in the right place, and you’ll do beautiful things, through me, of eternal significance.

Now, to attend to your questions.

Nigeria is not messed up. You want to see somewhere messed up? Try Iraq. As much as it displeases me to see so much pain and suffering, I will not step into human affairs and manipulate it. The power to change your lives is in your hands. I have given it to you. I am that little voice guiding Jonathan in his head. I am the little voice advising you not to be so headstrong. I hear prayers for peace in your country and I answer them. Not that I cannot instantly wipe your brains and make all of you do good. I can. But I will not. By doing that I’ll take away your freewill and reduce you to robots. Instead, I will work through people that are willing to let me work through them. Next time you want to do something not so nice, listen to me.

Jonathan is not a dummy. He is one of my special creations. Calling him a dummy is calling my work of art rubbish. He is one man not the entire government. He does not make those decisions on his own. As a matter of fact, he’s more of a representative of the others than the decision maker. He is not just your president, he is also a husband, father, uncle, son, etc. Right now, he feels he is the most hated man on earth and he desires to do what’s best for his country. Be patient with him.

Blowing up Aso Rock will not be to your advantage dear one. That is all I will tell you on this subject. Pray for you country with faith.

You have a step mom because if your father had tried to raise you on his own you wouldn’t be what you are right now. You think you’re such a nut now? Picture having only your dad six years before now. You’d be a nutcase( a nutcase is worse than a nut ) right now.

You are broke because you let yourself become broke. I warned you when you started to splurge but “No” sounded like “I don’t know if you should get this color of extensions.” Spend your money wisely. On things you need not things you fancy because, my dear, you fancy too much (and this goes for the rest of you). At least try to be frugal until you get a job.

You don’t have pictures from the shoot simply because they aren’t ready yet. George has a lot on his hands but he hasn’t forgotten you or your pictures. Rest in the assurance that something beautiful is going to be made out of them.

Jon Foreman didn’t wait for you because he does not know you. How can he wait for someone he doesn’t even know exists? Could you cope with him being away from home so much as attention desiring as you are? Could he cope with your occasional trouble making when he is hardly home in the first place? Blindly, you will answer positively. But I know you even more than you know yourself. You’d get bored, then frustrated and leave him.

You attract all kinds of men, dear one, because you are beautiful on the inside and outside. Unfortunately, the ones you pay attention to are more interested in your proportions than what is in your heart. You want the tall, dark, handsome man you see on television how many of this kind of men have given you the happiness you want? None. And then you come running back to me when your heart is bleeding. Re-interview the men you have friend-zoned. And stop seeking fulfillment in a man. You will never find it. They are mere humans and can never meet the unrealistic expectations you have of them. Instead, look to me. I will give you fulfillment and help you seek a man willing to love your mind more than your body.

If you had super powers, my love, half Nigeria’s population would be gone. The other half would be subject to you. You would misuse those powers, not because you are evil but because your good intentions would cloud your judgment so much that you would want everything to be perfect in your eyes which is impossible. You know it yourself. You’re doing just fine with that smile. That’s all the ‘super power’ you’ll get.

You don’t have blue eyes because if I’d given you blue eyes, you’d want green eyes two years later. Then grey, then you’d want them brown all over again, then you’d want a pink unicorn. If it’ll make you happy, get a pair of blue contact lens.

You want to be Rihanna eh? She has her fair share of problems. The grass is not greener on the other side. Sometimes, as glamorous as she is, she wishes she could be like every other normal person. She cries when she’s hurt and she laughs when she is happy just like you.

And finally about reincarnation…would you pass up a chance to be with your mother forever so you could be Rihanna? I think not.

Love always,

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