Learning to breathe

Archive for the month “February, 2012”

Pastor’s Kid

Growing up, I was “taught” to act in a certain stereotyped way by people. My parents were not among these people.

In Primary School, whenever I did something wrong, my teacher would say something like “And her father is a pastor” to her colleague. When I got to secondary school, I made sure nobody knew my dad was a pastor. It worked for awhile. Then I changed schools. My new school was a catholic girls only school far from my home and in the middle of nowhere. At the time it was like someone pulled the ground from under me and squeezed the air out of my lungs. For awhile I tried to act like a girl that was in a catholic single sex school. Soon I found out that none of the girls that were in there acted that way.

Well, it’s my second year at university and I don’t care much if people know my dad’s a pastor or not. As a matter of fact, I enjoy the shock I give them when they find out.

If you’re a PK (pastor’s kid) people either expect you to turn out just like your parent(s) or they expect you to go the opposite way…all the way down. But in reality, PKs are not born with extra capacity for righteousness. We are just like the rest of you with “normal” parents.

In a way, my dad never put any pressure on me to be like him. Yes, he taught my siblings and I to love God all the time growing up. He still does. But he let’s me make my own mistakes. It’s something I will always be thankful for.

The allowance to fall, bruise, go the wrong way.

It’s been five months and some I actually committed myself to God. I still make mistakes but when I do, I go back to Him who I wandered away from in the first place. I used to ask myself: “Am I doing this right?” “Am I Christian enough?” But I have come to understand that I can never be Christian enough. I can only be a better person than I was yesterday.

To those who expect me to act a certain way, make your own life count because in the end, you’re only here for awhile and well…

I’m sorry. I will disappoint you till I die.

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Ire

Sunmade and I named our baby Ire meaning Fortune. My in-laws named him Ayo meaning Joy. My mother named him Oluwarantimi meaning God remembered me.

Ire Ayo Oluwarantimi Macgregor.

Ire is turning one tomorrow. Its a beautiful saturday.

My son and I are having lunch at KFC.

Ire is on my left thigh, babbling. A drink is in my right hand. The restaurant is very busy. I watch people go in and out.

Tiwa walks in, phone on ear. Just when I try to look away, he catches my eye.

He smiles and trots to my table.

I sigh.

“…I’ll talk to you later, Peter.” He hangs up.

I chew my burger slowly and thoughtfully. I will pretend Tiwa is not in front of me.

“Hello Orin.” He smiles and sits directly in front of me.

I do not answer. Ire coos.

“That your son?”

I put Ire’s pacifier in his mouth.

“He’s beautiful. What’s his name?”

I move my baby to my right thigh and search my bag for my earphones.

“Orin stop ignoring me.” He leans back in his chair and taps his fingers on the table.

I find my earphones.

“Orin…”. He leans on the table, staring intently at me. “You have to stop ignoring me. I won’t go away.”

“You’d do both of us some good if you do.” I finally speak.

“I love you, Orin.”

“What do you know about love?” My eyes are stony as I stare back at him.

“I know enough about it to be here right now telling you that I do. Listen babe, I had to marry her.”

“Why?”

“I had nothing to offer you, Orin. We were both poor. You deserved better. I wanted to make some money for both of us.”

I chuckle. “You’ve been watching too many soaps.”

“I’m serious here. You were fine with just being with me but I wanted something more for the both of us.”

“That makes you a gold digger of some sort, doesn’t it?” My voice is as cold as steel. Ire is cranky and he is about to cry.

That wipes the smile off his face and places a smirk on mine.

“Look who’s talking. You finally married that fancy pants Macgregor boy.”

“He’s more man than you’ll ever be.”

Tiwa bangs his fist on the table, startling Ire and the lady on the table next to mine.

“I want you back.” He says between clenched teeth. Somehow, his voice is soft. “I’ve made enough money for the both of us. I’ve got a proper job now too.”

My heart is pounding.

“Leave him, Orin.”

“I can’t.”

“You can. You won’t.”

“I love him and I have a son for him.”

“It’s not him you love; it’s me. We’ll take care of your son together.”

“This isn’t a movie, Tiwa.”

“It’s not. It never was.”

On shaky feet I stand. Ire is on my left arm. Tiwa slips his card into my palm and kisses my hand.

Skater Boy

I am sitting by the road.

It is an orange, mute evening.

Tired

Ignoring my body’s groaning for sleep

I sit with my face in my palms.

The breeze plays with my hair

And taunts me enough to make me shudder.

Skater boy is coming towards me on roller blades.

In the space of three seconds

He is ahead of me

He does a full spin and comes towards me again.

He decides to spend some time with me.

Skater boy is strong.

I can tell by the feel of his arms and the way he flexes his biceps.

Skater boy is caring.

I can see it when he helps me put his roller blades on

Skater boy has a sense of humor.

I can hear it in the way he laughs from deep inside him

Skater boy will stay with me.

I see Boy standing not too far from us

Watching

I remove Skater Boy’s roller blades carelessly

And walk towards Boy.

Skater boy tries to call me back

But I ignore him.

He will stay.

Boy smiles at me

I think I will swoon forever

Skater Boy does a full circle past me in bright pink roller blades.

My favorite color.

But I ignore him.

He will stay.

Boy winks at me

I sigh dreamily

Skater Boy falls on his knees.

Is he hurt? I am not sure.

He will be fine

He will stay.

Boy frowns at his watch and limps away.

He limps. He is not perfect. How sad.

I turn towards Skater Boy

But he is no longer there

All I see is the space he fell

There is some blood from an injury

Skater Boy is gone

And I am to blame.

How To Survive Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s day is a day when people all over the world do beautiful things for their lovers, and some for their families. Guys give out chocolates and flowers and cakes and fluffy animals. Girls give out…stuff. Oddly different stuff. And at the end of the day, beautiful babies are made on Valentine’s night. It is a beautiful day of the year innit?

……………….

Scratch that.

Valentine’s is like a half baked movie. I am not saying this because I am single.

If you, like me, are single you probably feel like you are missing out on all the fun but I tell you “Blessed are you when you have no Valentine for you shall have one day added to your life span.” (This does not apply if you die before a valentine’s day.)

But if you are in a relationship or married and you still do not understand the need for extreme mushiness that is everywhere on Valentine, I congratulate you. You are one of few sane people in the world.

Do not get me wrong. I love love. I love the fact that there is someone I can be in a healthy relationship with. I love having to share my life, feelings, tears with someone. You could call me a romantic of some sort. A practical romantic.
I would prefer to have a dress for Valentine to a box of chocolate or flowers. I would rather wear a black dress on Valentine than be found in anything slightly red.

So, here is how to live through February 14th:

1. Treat it like a normal day

No. Really. It is.

It is not even a public holiday. If you want you could mark it off your calendar. Tip-ex it or something. Whatever suits you.

2. Do something nice for other people

You could give out some of your stuff to charity or take your family out to lunch because in reality, valentine is not just about lovers. It is about family and other people out there who are in need.

3. Do something nice for yourself

This applies especially to the ladies. Instead of staying indoors, watching sloppy movies and sulking, go out and get a manicure, go to the beach, hang out with other single friends,read a book, buy yourself something you have always wanted. Because you do not have a boyfriend or husband does not make you any less woman than females that do. For all you know, some of them envy you.

You might want to read my post on love: Menage A Trois

There you have it. More survivals tips are absolutely welcome. I do not know more than three.

Letter from God

Dear Children,

It is sunday again. Most of you will be going to church today. Not all of you will be going for the right reasons but you will be going anyway.

Some of you will come to my house and sing I Surrender All to me but when you leave my house you go back and do whatever you please. Another group of you will come to my house and sing Jesus Take The Wheel to me when in reality you grip the wheel tightly. You only fool yourselves.

It is above your human minds to fully comprehend the love I have for you.
All of you.
Stop putting yourselves on the path of hurt and “independence”. Come to me. Depend on me.

Do not hold on to grudges, they only eat you up inside. The person you have a grudge against is going around without a bomb on his head. Let it go. Not for him or her, but for yourselves.

If you will be in my house today, know that I am there and that I love you. I will drive your lives only if you let go of the wheel.

Your Helper,
God.

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