Learning to breathe

Archive for the category “Demure Ramblings”

Coming Out

When fitted with the armor of God, we will not be blindsided by the fiery darts of the Enemy. Past failures lose their power and present thoughts will not overrun me, for I am in control of my thoughts and I make the final decision on what I believe. The opinions of others do not bombard me, for I have decided to believe what God says about who I am- regardless of what I or anyone else thinks.

Dennis Jernigan, This Is My Destiny


I decided last night that I was going to do a “Coming out” post like Toxic to clarify a few misconceptions some of you may have of my person. This is the most honest post I’ve written about myself so far and I hope that it won’t be the last. So, here goes:

I’m a Christian.

I’m a church-going, God-praying, hopelessly-loved, mind-wandering Christian.

When the adjective comes to mind though, I’m not the first person I think of. To me, sometimes, that adjective and my name shouldn’t be used in the same sentence.

Unless the sentence, or statement, is a lie. Or joke.

Either way, I am probably not the first person that’ll come to mind when you picture people who ooze Christianity from every pore of their being. I’m not the Mother Theresa of Calcutta or the Amy Carmichael. No, you would not think of me as any of those remarkable Christian people.

On first look, there is nothing remarkably Christian about me.

This is where I redefine the adjective.

I am Christian because I believe in God but “even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror” so believing that there is a God is not enough. I have to believe something more than that.

I believe that this God loves me regardless of what you think and especially regardless of what I think. I believe that the minute I gave my life to Him I earned myself a one way ticket to Heaven. I believe that when he sees me He sees righteousness, not my righteousness but the righteousness of Jesus. I believe that He wants me to become more and more like Jesus. I believe that He wants me to preach about Him and if necessary use words.

“How can you believe in God?” you may ask, and “what evidence do you have that He truly exists?”

I have no other reason to believe that there truly is a God but this: Jesus was born in a Middle Eastern country over 2000 years ago. He called Himself the Son of God and He was brutally murdered by people that had come to the conclusion that Jesus was either truly the Son of God or a lunatic. And 2000 years after that bloody death, I sit millions of miles away from the place He was murdered and I am told passionately about Him by a man who is either raving mad or has experienced this Savior personally before. I choose what I want to believe. And I won’t go back on what I chose there and then if I had a million chances.

Now, your turn

No matter what you choose, I can only be one of two things: delusional or enlightened.

How can I be sure that I truly have a spot in Heaven?

More often that I’d like, this question comes up in my mind. Other times, it rephrases itself and comes to me like this: Ibukun, you will burn in Hell.

Since we have already established the fact that I am either delusional or enlightened, if you think I am delusional, you probably have stopped reading this already or you will do after this sentence. And if you think I’m enlightened, I want to share with you the assurance I have that I will not burn in a lake of sulphur: there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And those who, like me, belong to Christ Jesus are dead to this life. The new people that they are have been forever made perfect by the one sacrifice that Jesus made over 2000 years ago. This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun.

In one sentence, I am a new person. I’m not the Ibukun you have been around the block with. And even though some days I don’t feel new, the old Ibukun is dead and gone.

But if you claim to be a new person, how come you still do some of the things the old Ibukun used to do?

The Ibukun that did not know any better is dead, alright. There is no disputing that. The new Ibukun knows better but she doesn’t do better sometimes. Because, really, old habits die hard but eventually they die. And till those habits die, sometimes, I won’t always make right decisions. But I know that when I fall, or creep away from the truth, I know that I can always come back to this High Priest of mine that understands my weakness, for He faced all of the same testings that I do.  This Jesus faced all of the temptations that I face on a daily basis. In His earthly life, He probably had acne as an adolescent. He probably had a major crush on a girl down the street. A girl down the street was probably crushing on Him. He probably worried about grades too. And I am positive that that doubts came up in His mind at some points while He was in His earthly body. This God is not out of touch with reality.

So I can come back boldly to the throne of this God and I will receive His mercy and find grace to help me when I need it the most. This doesn’t mean however that I can take this grace for granted. I cannot take one step forward, throw myself to the ground and reach out for a helping hand. There really isn’t much sense in that. There is no progress or growth in that and I won’t get very far in the journey that is this life if I do that. I probably won’t even leave the beginning point of my journey.

There are still some things I do not know about this God and there are some that I will never know. But what I do know is that I do not need to go to heaven first to have a deep relationship with this God. I want to have that ultimately real relationship here on earth so I can die knowing that I am going to meet an old friend and not a blind date. An old friend that calls the unqualified and names them qualified…one that shatters the mold that we have made for Him and meets us in the most unlikely places, through the most unlikely people. He was born in a barn filled with the stench of farm animals so many years ago and today, He reincarnates Himself in another barn; the author of this post. This God is the ultimate iconoclast.

So there you have it. This is what I am and this is what I have started living. This is who I am and this is what I breathe.


Something Something Block

It’s been agesssss!

I feel so guilty for not writing anything. Sometimes, I think it’s because I don’t have any story or poem to write about or any 5 year old to complain about or any more letters from God.
I’ve been so busy with school and my swivel-chair emotions that I haven’t had the patience to pen something. Anything

Sometimes, I think up the beginning of a story but I’m too lazy to actually do the writing. I wish my phone could read my mind so I won’t have to bother with all this typing.

Anyway, now, I’m at the point where I want to write but I don’t know what to write about. I don’t want this blog to be my online journal (I already have that) and I don’t think I want it to be a cocktail of everything (which I’m sure sometimes tastes like a nasty drink) so I thought it would be a good idea to ask my readers what they think I should do with my mess of a mind. There’s too much up there and I could be such a klutz!

Okay, okay, I’m done. Before you hiss and say “What a waste of time”, tell me what to do with my blog. Right now, I have a good mind to give it out so someone else can do the blogging. I’d rather have that than have nothing (or a cocktail of nothings)


My Biggest Fear

Everybody is afraid of something, or afraid something will happen, or afraid something wont happen. Most of the time, that ‘something’ isn’t even singular. It’s plural. I won’t call it a phobia because the fear has varying degrees in each and everyone of us. It makes a substantial amount of people neurotic and pulls on the seams of sanity for others (which is pretty much the same thing). For a handful, it bothers them once in awhile.
But no one can deny it’s there. Like a fly that won’t go away.

So, my biggest fear is…becoming a hypocrite.

Nah, it’s not that I will get unceremoniously dumped or that I won’t find anymore Fanta in the fridge or that Jon Foreman will die not knowing I exist. No. That’s no it.
That one word, ‘hypocrite’ has the power to cut through my heart and send it to the pits of depression.
That fear has driven me to wake up at 5 o’clock in the morning to jog and communicate with God. It has driven me to bow my violin even when all I wanted to do was smash it. It has driven me to church every Sunday morning and Thursday evening even and especially when I felt I was sticking out like a sore thumb.

It. Has. Driven. Me.

Not to say that the things it has driven me to do are bad. Quite the opposite. But it has such a hold on me I can’t breathe.

It gave me a headache just thinking about it but I’m determined not to stay in this cage that I’m in.

So when my biggest fear comes to pass and the word “hypocrite” is spat in my face. I can smile knowing that I have kept my mouth in check and practised only what I preached.

What are your biggest fears?


This post came to me yesterday. I was bone weary and I had just had a late lunch. I haven’t put up anything in a long (long to me, anyways) while and I felt I’d just share some of my thoughts and conversations with you. If you have been following my Orin Series, (I guess I could call it that) I’ll be putting something new up soon (I hope)

In the bathroom

Me: Oh dear Lord, I’m fat.

God: You’re a size 8.

Me: A fat size 8.

God: ….

Me: Okay so maybe I’m not fat…just rounded…slightly pudgy.

God: Shut up, Ibukun.

Me: Okay.

In class

Me: God this class is so boring.

God: You’ll have a test soon.

Me: I will?! Oh dear! I haven’t been paying attention :O

(Class ends)

Me: God, you said I was going to have a test. Was that a joke?!

God: No. You will have a test. Soon.

Me: At this point I take your ‘soon’ to mean in the last class for the semester. I can’t believe you just did that to me.

God: 🙂

In church

Me: God, look at these people, especially Pastor Carlton, I don’t think I could ever be like them.

God: You’re not suppose to be

Me: But they look so perfect! They act so perfect. I’m like a sore thumb! The black sheep. I’m a sugar junkie…amongst other things 😦

God: Well, as perfect and shiny as they look, they all struggle with something.

Me: Oh yeah? Like what? Inability to read more then a book of the Bible a day?

God: Somebody’s actually struglling with that…

Me: Are you for real?! :O I mean, really?

God: Yes, I’m for real

Me: :O tell me more!

God: …..

Me: Please na 😦

God: …..

Me: Hmmmn I see. The silent treatment. Oh well, at least I know someone’s struggling with bible reading! Bwahaha!

God: …..

Me: ….

God: ….

Me: okay I get it. This convo is over. Ok bye 🙂

In bed. 5.00am

God: Ibukun!

Me: What? Is it rapture time yet?

God: No. It’s bonding time.

Me: Doesn’t this count?

God: Not exactly

Me: But I don’t want to get out of bed just yet 😦

God: Okay.

Me: (tries to fall asleep again)

God: …..

Me: (covers head with pillow)

God: …..

Me: (fights for sleep)

God: ….

Me: ….

God: ….

Me: How do you do that?

God: 🙂 spare yourself the fight and get up.

Me: Fine. You owe me.

God: Haha! Roight!

Me: 🙂

The end

Leap Year

Hello people! 🙂

Been like a week or so I blogged anything so I figured I might as well start making it a weekly thing. So those of you that think I’m a nuisance can calm down and breathe easy now!

Now to today’s post…up until this morning I didn’t know what I was going to blog but I knew I was going to blog (weird right?) I like to think of that as Blogger’s Block -_-

Okay today’s post is about the old Irish tradition that allows a woman propose to a man on leap day and…


he has to accept! \\(^_^)//

(I’d like to pull this on someone one day…just joking)

So it got me thinking.

Yes, thinking.

Why on earth would any woman want to pull a leap day on anybody?!

I know men are special, sometimes commitment phobic creatures. It doesn’t mean we should take advantage of that and force them into a marriage they don’t want in the name of tradition.

Irish tradition though… *sigh here*

So I figured I’d try to help the leap day believers out there. Here it goes…

Step 1: Calm your titties

Breathe in…breathe out. Do that again. See! You’re calm.

Step 2: Make this your mantra

Repeat after me: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

Step 3: Start believing you cannot make a man commit without his consent

This includes making him marry you, date you, meet your parents and grand parents, etc. You get the picture

Step 4: Ask yourself why he doesn’t want to commit in the first place

Are you the kind of lady he would want to commit to? Are you domineering? Overprotective? Do you have a bad attitude? Are you excessively materialistic? If you aren’t any of these then you just might be a side chick or a f*** buddy. Yup! I said it.

There you have it!

Just for laughs, if you haven’t seen Leap Year you should. If you’re like me, at the end you be making “awwww” sounds for the rest of your life. If you’re like Kenny(@dhamyhan) you’d be like “Hahahaha! Stupid fools!” Till the end of the movie.

Till my next post, I love y’all (˘⌣˘)

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