Learning to breathe

Archive for the tag “women”

Learning to Breathe Better

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It hasn’t exactly been a year since I started learning to breathe. I started learning to breathe on the 12th of January, 2011 and I’ve been sharing m breathing techniques on my WordPress since then. I believe that you can never stop learning to breathe, you can only get better at it. So yes, I’m still learning. 2012 has been a pretty eventful year for me…somethings I’d like to forget quickly, somethings I’ll cherish all the days of my life. I met new friends and I lost some. I’ve been the insecure girl at work and I’ve been the picture of security. I’ve had emotional roller-coaster rides that have been anything but enjoyable. Been tossed here and there by emotional tides. Now that I look back on all of it, I can smile. I can smile because I tasted a wealth of emotions this year.

Spiritually, I’ve become wiser, maybe even stronger. And I find it amazing how God calls my kind to be “the light of the world” and “a city on a hill” when all I want to do is crawl back into the pit that He picked me from. The pit is comfortable. The pit is all I’ve known. The pit is was home. Time and time again, He comes for me, picks me up again and sets me on a hill for all to see. I’m not sure I love the attention all the time, I would rather go back down to the pit sometimes and feel sorry for myself. Often He tells me that my flaws, imperfections, insecurities, brokenness is exactly what He needs. If I was flawless, perfect, secure, sturdy…I’m afraid He would have no need of me. And I would have no need for Him. If there’s nothing I know about myself, I know that I am needy and I love to feel needed. I think of that and I get out of my pit willingly.

At home, I won’t say that everything has been dandy. That would be a lie. If there is a perfect home in this world, it definitely isn’t mine. I love my father with every fibre of my being. I know that he has made mistakes, I acknowledge the fact that he has many flaws and has made decisions he will regret all his life. I just want to make regretting easier for him. It’s the least that I could do. My siblings and I share a name and a home but I can’t say that we live for each other. We are so used to giving each other left over loving, I’m not sure what it would feel like to give them the main dish. What if they don’t even want the main dish? My stepmother on the other hand is an enigma to me. Sometimes, I think it’s possible for me to love her and other times, I wake up to the cold reality that it will be difficult and it will take flesh out of me. I’m pretty selfish. I don’t want anything taken out of me. I want it dropped in my lap. I lie to myself that I don’t have much of me to give to anybody and I know deep inside that there’s so much to give, so much to pour out and I’m afraid that is what keeps me up at night. I don’t know how to give and through 2012, I wasn’t ready to learn. I just wanted to breathe.

As for school, I’ve had moments when I just sit down and cry. I ask myself more often than I really want to: “What are you doing here?”

What are you doing here?!

I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing handling violins, pianos and a lazy soprano voice. I don’t know what I’m doing writing MUSON theory exams. I don’t know what I’m doing reading sheet music. I don’t know if I want to go to Royal College of Music when I finish university. So I’ll just focus on breathing for now. I’ll breathe deeply when the music notes become blurry and the tears threaten to spill, I’ll breathe confidently when my mouth opens and timid soprano pours. I’ll breathe, surely, when I bow my violin in front of an unfriendly looking panel. I’ll breathe.

As for relationships, I’ll take a break. I can’t make wise decisions when I keep hopping from one relationship to the other. I’ll  lose my breath and some of my sanity, some of myself. I’ll lose. I lose because I don’t know what to give and I don’t know what to keep. That way, I end up giving what I should keep and keeping what I should give. So I’ll just stop and breathe.

Breathe.

This is my last post on this blog. Still unsure if I should delete it or just leave it dormant. Don’t ask why, I don’t have the answer. I can tell you confidently though, that breathing is the best thing that could happen to us humans. Just breathe. Breathe deeply, thoughtfully, reverently. Breathe as you are.

And let your heart find rest in Him…

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A Heart That Can Break

Melting, flaring, weeping, dying
One of the best things in life is feeling
Feeling the loss of a friendship
Feeling the loss of a relationship
And the beginning of one
Feeling sympathy for the old man repairing shoes down the street
In the heat of the sun
In the light of day
Feeling my heart swell for the newborn fingers that grip my thumb ever so gently
Feeling, and possibly smelling,
But most likely feeling the fragrance of body wash
As it mingles with steam in my nose
Feeling the hurt that flies out of your mouth when you’re angry
Feeling my heart swell with assurance of unfailing love, protection and attention

Simply feeling

I want a heart that can break
I want tears that I can make
I want laughter that I don’t have to fake
I want to feel everything and anything
I want all the emotions there are to take
For I fear that if I cannot feel
I’ll start dying slowly and surely
Pain, pleasure, awe, love, ate, courage, fear

I want it
And I embrace it with the near blindness of the old man down the street with cataracts

What’s New?

When I started this blog. I thought I would blog every single day. Then about a month after that I resolved to blog every week. Soon after that, I began to think “two posts a month” and then little by little my resolve to blog at all slipped into oblivion. Boo hoo sad story

Anyway, I’m almost through with my exams and I think it’s time to pick up this blog from the ancient chest I locked it in and start fresh 🙂 It’s back to writing stories and blogging attempts at poetry from my clutter of a mind! I’m not going to give a particular time table for writing, I’ll just write the stories as they come, when they come.

If you did not read Orin’s story that got this blog over 1200 views you should get to it here and start from the first chapter “Glass Thoughts” and then of course I got me an online journal and that’s what’s been eating up most of my free time, if you’re interested, you can read here and follow if you want.

I love Panda’s new post it’s concise but it’s intense. And I’m sure y’all would like it too.

I’ve got an exam this morning so, I’ve got to run. Thanks for stopping by to read! Have an awesome Tuesday!

Think of Me

“She is such a snob” 

 

“abi”

 

“Because she has money now nobody will hear word again”

 

“<em>I tire o!</em>”

 

“But which one is you people’s business now?”

 

“<em>abeg!</em> Comfort of the afflicted, just shift to one side if you know you are going to support her”

 

“I’m already going <em>sef</em>.<em>Nawa</em> for you people.” 

 

“Nawa for you too.” 

 

 

            ——————-

 

Deola is such an amazing colleague. She always has a kind word to say. I wish I could be like her anytime my husband has something silly to say but hurtful words always find their way to my lips and in return they claim a well aimed blow as their prize.

 

Deola tells me to be patient with him but she has no idea. After all, she has never been married. 

 

She can’t understand.

 

Yet as she squeezes my hand in hers, all I feel is understanding. 

 

Comforting reassurance.

 

“You’ll be fine.” She tells me.

 

 

            ——————–

 

I can’t understand what Deola is so afraid of. Sometimes, I think if I go on one knee to propose to her she will have a cardiac arrest. Can’t she see that I love her? That I want to spend the rest of my life with her? Isn’t it obvious? 

 

We will have yet another long argument about us this evening when we meet up for dinner. She has to listen to me. If not, there’s not point carrying on with a relationship that will not lead to having a certain Mrs Kuye. 

 

I love her but if she doesn’t agree to marry me, she does not love me. 

 

 

           ——————–

 

There’s something about this woman that comes to the pharmacy every now and then. Always during my shift. I think Tunde has an eye for her because he always wants to attend to her when she comes. 

 

I could honestly say that I am jealous of her. She does look like she has it all together. She wears the nicest weaves, she’s tall, beautiful, has a nice car. What more could she want?

 

Yet, she buys the oddest things.

 

Anti-depressants, sleeping pills, painkillers and bath gel. Aren’t those for people with problems? People like me? 

 

What on earth could she need them for? 

 

 

            ——————–

 

These people don’t know me. They don’t know who I am. They don’t know what I’ve been through. They don’t know what I’m about. 

Something Something Block

It’s been agesssss!

I feel so guilty for not writing anything. Sometimes, I think it’s because I don’t have any story or poem to write about or any 5 year old to complain about or any more letters from God.
I’ve been so busy with school and my swivel-chair emotions that I haven’t had the patience to pen something. Anything

Sometimes, I think up the beginning of a story but I’m too lazy to actually do the writing. I wish my phone could read my mind so I won’t have to bother with all this typing.

Anyway, now, I’m at the point where I want to write but I don’t know what to write about. I don’t want this blog to be my online journal (I already have that) and I don’t think I want it to be a cocktail of everything (which I’m sure sometimes tastes like a nasty drink) so I thought it would be a good idea to ask my readers what they think I should do with my mess of a mind. There’s too much up there and I could be such a klutz!

Okay, okay, I’m done. Before you hiss and say “What a waste of time”, tell me what to do with my blog. Right now, I have a good mind to give it out so someone else can do the blogging. I’d rather have that than have nothing (or a cocktail of nothings)

🙂

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