When I deactivated my Twitter account earlier this month, I wanted to stop to smell the roses, I wanted to try new food, to hang out with friends, talk to my dad more often and all that good stuff. I wanted to experience real life and boy did I get real life. I got a mean ass rollercoaster ride this month. I don’t think I’m going to forget in a hurry. I’m not going into details out of respect for myself (I’ve always wanted to use that line) but those closest to me know that this month, I’ve felt more burned out, drained and overwhelmed than usual. I’ve been busy up to my neck doing everything inconsequential so I won’t have to curl up in a ball to cry. See the thing is, I’m very emotional and I get cranky when I’m hungry and when things don’t go the way I plan. I don’t know how it is that I still have any friends. So right now, I’m just grateful for closure and for the fact that May is almost over.
On the upside, I’ve managed to find me a new and better coping mechanism and new hobbies and discovered that people reading what I’m typing over my shoulder annoys me to no end. I’ve found that I like walking in the evenings and in the mornings- just before the sun comes out in its full glory. I’ve found that mono-tasking is actually better than multi-tasking, that coffee tastes better when I mix my milk separately first, that red lipstick makes my lips look like thin strips of upturned bacon, that reading a chapter of a book every day is healthy, that not having anything to say all the time is fine and that not having all the answers is fine too. I’ve found that I have friends that will stand up when I can’t and are willing to give me the best of their lives. Now I understand that past mistakes will follow you around like a nagging wife and that cutting people slack is worth it sometimes. I’ve learned.
It’s not to say that I didn’t know how to live my life while I was addicted to this social network thing, it’s just that I wasn’t living what I knew.
I’m not exactly ecstatic to announce to y’all that I’m back on the thing, I’m just scared shitless I’ll become what I was again. My opinion about Twitter hasn’t changed and I doubt it ever will. But I think I’m better equipped at being a “stuffer” keeping most of my business to myself. I know to pray about difficult stuff instead of announcing the calamity to some two hundred people. I know to sign out when I have work to do, food to eat, people to converse with. The only problem is that knowing to do something and actually following through on what I know and plan to do are two entirely different things. So I’m still testing the waters, I’m still wary. So forgive me if you used to think I was fun and you’re hoping I can go back to being fun. I may not be able to measure up again; I might disappear for a few days and reappear online when I can, when I want. It’s not that I don’t care that you care; I just don’t want to get sucked in all over again. Some of you may be wondering what difference 19 days off Twitter has made. Well it’s kinda like how hearing and listening are different. The difference between hearing and listening is 19 days, the difference between “acquaintance” and “friend” is 19 long days, the distance between “loneliness” and “solitude” is 19 sets of 24 hours. I’m still exploring this side of life so be patient with me…and maybe help me.