It’ll be seven years this year since I last tasted your pancakes
Since I last gave you the hug you wanted
Since I last prayed with you that God would let you stay
Since daddy cried
Since Seyi emerged from boyhood and I was thrust into womanhood
Since I last saw you, the only woman I could ever love this much.
I hate to say to you that I haven’t always been your shining little angel
I hate to say that I didn’t study Law like you wanted me too
I hate to say that I gave dad an awful hard time
I hate to say that I don’t know how you would have me act towards my step mom.
I hate to say that I don’t think of you as much as I swore I would
I hate to say that I hate saying “My mom is late.”
When you are still alive to me.
If you were here today I would’ve given you a kiss on your lips
I would’ve bought you a dress
I would’ve painted your nails for you
I would’ve told you about the boy that makes my heart flutter and how I almost broke his the other day
You would’ve said “I want you to be better than me.”
“You’re a Queen.”
“You’ll marry a good man.”
You would’ve given me a hug
And I teary-eyed would’ve given you one right back.
With your eyes,
You would’ve told me that there isn’t any need for the extreme mushiness.
And you would’ve smiled.
The smile that I have mastered in the seven years you’ve been gone.
It doesn’t feel the same so all I ask, mommy, is for you to smile down at me today
Smile down at me today